structured chaos

School's Out For Summer, School's Out Forever!!!

2005-05-27T08:10:00.000-07:00

Oh, happy day... In approximately 7 hours, I will be finished with my teaching career forever!!! It's been a long time since I have been this excited about my job...

With this being said, I leave you with some final ghetto images... Last night, graduation, the American Airlines Center... Each graduating senior given 18 tickets... This made for some fabulous people watching... Among the crowd I saw:

1. An incredibly dark skinned woman wearing quite possibly the worst wig I've ever seen... It was bleach blond and teased in a fashion that caused it to stand about a foot and one half above her head... The wig obviously a well planned hair solution, and I say this because, the eyebrows matched... I'm not quite sure how or why, but the eyebrows were bleach bond as well... I've always been told the eyebrows should be a shade darker, but in this case, at least she put forth the effort, eyebrows are typically the tell tale sign of a natural or bottle blonde...

2. Next I spotted 4 inch spike heels with lights... Any Harry Hines professional would be proud to call these her shoes...

3. There were then quite a number of women who were at least a generous size 24 who most obviously had squeezed themselves into size 6 pants... and the pants tended to be very light in color... Girls, come on, dark colors are more slenderizing...

4. There was the breast-feeding woman wearing a triangle halter top... I think that's enough said...

5. There were also the monochromatic color schemes, you don't have to match but you show got to coordinate!!! (i'm talking, pink dress, pink shoes, pink bag, pink earrings, and let's not over look the pink hair and nails... classic)

6. This has nothing to do with people watching, but, as guests arrived, over the loud speakers, we heard tunes from Fifty, Ciera... just to name a few... it has been 8 years, but I clearly remember the stringed quartet that sat under a tent and played as people trickled in at my graduation... my how the world has changed...

This my friend is what I walk away from in a little less than 7 hours.

War What's it Good For?

2005-05-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago at church, the priest spoke about peace. We are given the Holy Spirit so that we are not alone, and so we have the capacity to offer this peace to others. I think this raises a lot of questions about what peace should look like in our lives as Christians. What is our position on war? What is our reaction toward those who hate us? What are our interactions like with those we know and love? What are our interactions like with complete strangers? Most definitely a concept I struggle with in my mind and fall very short of portraying adequately in my day to day journey...

Obviously the war comes to mind, but closer to home, what's been my daily environment for the last three years of my life came to mind. Why in this environment is violence almost always the first reaction? And sometimes not even a reaction, but the initial action that is then reacted to...

I could rattle off a list of just this past year: fights, a student throwing a desk at me because I asked her to sit up (code for not sleep) in the middle of class, the riot, a student arrested for murder, the seniors throwing water balloons at underclassmen filled with bleach.

I catch myself disregarding the reports on the news of violence in the middle east. I've heard so many I've almost become numb. I have become numb. It's like the Jack Johnson song about the news reporters reporting all the horrible stuff in the world going on without even flinching. I hate that I have this reaction! I want to be affected! I should be affected!

This morning I was affected. I ran into a fellow teacher. We chatted, somehow security came up. There is most definitely increased security. She asked where my cell phone was. I told her locked in my closet. She told me to put it on my person. I questioned it... Evidently Monday after school, she and another teacher were walking across campus to pick something up. Some kids yelled at them, they walked over to see what the commotion was... There was a kid (a child, not a criminal, not a sex offender, not someone who just bombed an entire nation, but a probably 15 year old child) laying on the cement covered in blood. My co-worker said she has seen some bad things, but has never seen anyone beaten so badly...

Monday afternoon there was gang activity on campus after school. There were several attacks. There was no apparent motive for the attacks other than the people attacked were walking alone. When did it become status quo to attack people with violence just because you can?

After this conversation, I was literally sick to my stomach. I'm not here to offer any solutions for world peace. I have so many questions. War is such a big concept. I've never really grasp the meaning of war, but in a war, while there are so many politics involved I want to run away, there is usually in some capacity an initiative for peace.

Violence for the sheer purpose of violence I most definitely cannot wrap my head around. What can we do? What can I do? How do we respond to this?

I like to boooogie, I like to get down...

2005-05-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

Last night Aaron and I attended the 7th Annual Katy Trail 5K and picnic. SOOOOO much fun!!!

I ran, Aaron cheered...

It was truly too hot to run outside, but I love running outside, and specifically adore running in my neighborhood. It really is the prettiest area of the metroplex. For whatever reason, environment greatly affects my mood/outlook on life. Not sure why, but always has...

Anyway, ran the first mile at my normal race pace. Crossed the one mile marker at about 6 minutes and 45 seconds. The beginning of the second mile was straight up hill. I was incredibly hot (not the good looking kind, but the smelly, sweaty, uncomfortable kind, although some find me the good kind of hot in this state, it's beyond me...). At this point I decided I was in this race for fun and slowed down...

I finished in 22:54 (and 5th in my age group and 128th overall out of roughly 1000 runners, really if I had known how little competition there was, my competitiveness would have come out, and I would have run faster), almost 3 minutes slower than my regular 5K, but whatever, it was fun.

The crowd was great. As races go, the usual diverse mix. Good for people watching, and apparently dog watching. I'm pretty sure everyone except Aaron and I had a K9 by their side.

The after party was the best part. Runners are notorious for a good time after races. This was no exception... Every restaurant from uptown was there with a tent, and all the food/beer/wine/frozen custard/smoothies/sake you could eat/drink... the down side to this is when I'm hot and/or tired, food, not so appealing... there was too, quite possibly the worst cover band ever there as well. Not a problem for me. I loves me some live music whatever the form or genre it comes in. I was however disappointed there was no dancing. It was perplexing, we were in Oaklawn, there were adult beverages, there was music, and people looked at me funny whenever a dance move slipped out... Maybe it's the result of too much Napoleon...

not so sure...

2005-05-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

ever get that not so fresh feeling?

I distinctly remember applying deodorant this morning, but half-way to work, the thought crossed my mind that I only made application to my left pit. I'm pretty sure that thought has since been validated. My right pit is very sticky, and doesn't smell so nice... The crappy part, today is an A-day, I teach all the way through, with only a 25 min. lunch break. I'm guessing I'm making a trip to CVS in lieu of eating lunch today...

Currently showing "Napoleon Dynamite" to my Child Development students. They're working on their review for their final on Friday. I can justify the viewing of the film from an educational standpoint in that we've had an ongoing discussion on how and/or if intellectual and social development are linked... a whole nother soap box, definitely think they correlate... and I think Napoleon definitely helps my case...

oh, and I was referred to as a "bitch" by three different students yesterday, in three separate instances, this is comforting to know I haven't lost it, and I'm back in the game...

Happy Hump Day!

Village Idiot

2005-05-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

The whole transition out of public education has been bitter sweet for me. I know there are most definitely things about this experience I am going to miss. I also know there's a piece of my heart that's carved out especially for this type of work and these kids, and if I don't fill that void in some way, there's going to be a part of me that's not complete.

Then there were always the "ghetto moments" that made me laugh. The day Shanekia told Jaquadrian her name was ghetto. The day a kid stood up in the middle of class and announced that someone smelled like hair greece (dude, look around). Just today one of my students was working on a project for another class entitled, "Pimp Juice," which included a flying chalice in his power point presentation.

There have been the moments where my heart was shattered. Students who have been abused. Students that come from such utter poverty that they don't have running water or electricity, but yet still come to school everyday. That in and of itself deserves an A. Who the hell cares if they do work. They have to overcome more to get here every morning than I have had to over come in my entire life. There are days I drive past the bus stop and see them all lined up to get on the 20+ school buses and just weep. Who determined that I was born into the family I was versus the families and environments they were. I'm lucky. I don't deserve it.

I learned/realized so much in the last three years about myself and life.

Today I collected my final memento. There is a paper sign outside of my door that bears my name and room #. It now also includes the word "idiot" in giant black ink. I'm keeping this not because I don't want anyone to see it, not because it makes me angry (quite frankly, I don't lose much sleep over the opinions of me held by people half my age), but in a year when I think I'm ready to come back and that I miss it, I need something to send up the red flag...

If the village calls looking for their idiot, you can send them to a high school in the ghetto in Texas, I'm here, and I'm desperately waiting for them to come pick me up...

Too Much Booty in the Pants

2005-05-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

My blogger is doing weird things today. If there are gramatical errors, totally not my fault. There is no spell check. There is also no ability to link anything. Oooh, this feels nice. This is why my students always blame others...

A very sad event happened this morning. After peeling myself from the bed (and I did reset my alarm 3 times), showering, and drying my hair, I went to the closet to decide on an ensemble. I decided on my comfy jeans (code for a size too large), my bambi and thumper t-shirt, a blazer, and flops (it's friday and i've already resigned from my job, so why not have some fun?). I put on my jeans. They're tight. They are a size larger than the size I wear. They are not ever tight. They are supposed to be very loose. I am deeply saddened. So sad, I skipped my usual Starbucks stop this morning. I figured it wouldn't hurt to cut out the 400 calories and 15 grams of fat I endulge in every morning on my way to work...

Last night my Mavericks theory proved itself true. I went to bed at half time, the Mavs lost. Sorry guys. I'll watch tomorrow, the entire game...

Has anyone seen the Austin City Limits line-up for this year? It's amazing. Aaron and I are going. So very excited. Coldplay, Oasis, The Allman Bros., Buddy Guy, Lyle Lovett, The Black Crows, Bloc Party, Death Cab, Franz Ferdidnand, Eisley, The Bravery... The list goes on and on, it's gunna rock!

Tonight, my favorite Mexican friend is having his annual, Cinco De Mayo Party. Looking forward...

Also, had a discussion a couple of weeks ago with some friends about wheather or not there are still rock stars around. Some said no, others said yes. I've been thinking about this a lot. I say yes, I say Bono is the epitimy of Rock 'n Roll, therefore he is a rock star. Here is the list I have compiled of artist in no particular order that I believe to be rockstars (disclaimer: this does not mean I enjoy their work, ie. Axil Rose, it just means they are truly rock stars): Elvis, Axil Rose, Tommy Lee, Bono, Tom York (any man that heterosexual men want to do, by definition, rockstar), they Dylans (Bob and Jacob, and Pete Yorn. I'm still working on my list, but this is what I have so far...

Navy Beans, Navy Beans, Slop Sloppy Joe...

2005-05-04T06:09:00.000-07:00

An article I read this morning brought me to a whole new level of disgust toward cafeteria food. Evidently in Japan, they have recently added whale meat, yes ladies and gents, whale meat to school cafeteria menus.

Supposedly this was a norm up until about 20 years ago when they for reasons unknown to me, removed it from the menu.

Where is PETA in all of this?

Beyond animal rights, just gross, that's all that I can say, gross...

Also heard, Pras (the Fugees) is releasing a solo alblum in June on which he is going to cover U2s "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." This my friends could be genius, or complete failure, we'll see. I'm still looking forward. I loves me some Fugees!!!

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want to...

2005-05-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, still feeling a bit sorry for myself, but hopefully the last call has been made at my pitty party.

After the message of rejection yesterday, my day off, my day of sleeping in, drinking coffee, running outside in the middle of the day, going to lunch with my sister, my day was pretty much shot to hell. I'm not so sure why the enormous amount of disappointment, I've really never been devastated that I didn't get a job, but for whatever reason I was.

I called my dad. He's my job hunt/business expert guru. My drycleaner is my PR guy, and my dad is my guru. He's always so calm and rational. Two things I rarely am, and when I am either, I'm usually not simultaneously the other... It's what I needed at the time, but not at all what I wanted. I wanted someone to be as dramatic and irrational as myself, and to be upset with me. Not exactly what I got.

He told me to get a grip. Call the company. Ask why they went with another candidate, and what I could do to improve my interviewing skills.

Are you kidding? I want to feel sorry for myself, lay on the floor and listen to really loud music (Muse #8 is what I played on a loop for about 2 hours and I live in a highrise, so when I say really loud, that really means a level of 25 on my stereo) and cry.

That's what I did. I layed on the floor, listened to Muse, cried, then I prayed. I did consider calling, but didn't want to get upset on the phone so opted out...

It's my off block right now. I figured I'm just about all out of tears, so what the heck.

I called. I asked the questions dad told me to ask. I felt ridiculous. I now have a restored since of self-esteem...

The woman told me they loved me (and yes those were her exact words. they loved me). She said I was very professional as well as personable, but that when asked about long-term career goals I mentioned being interested in advertising. I am. I totally remembered saying that (and I totally remember kicking myself for saying it after the words left my mouth). She said they did not want to interfere with that goal, and that a company in the industry would be better suited for me. She also said she would pass on my info and resume to anyone she comes in contact with that may fit into that category.

I feel a little better. Still uber disappointed, but don't feel so bad about my phone answering abilities anymore...

And to add to my skill set, good luck for the Mavs. That's right. I am good luck for the Mavs. When I view a game, they do not lose...

The Good, the Bad, and of course, the Ugly

2005-05-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

The Good:

I had the most amazing weekend. Nothing over-the-top really, it was just good...

Friday night Aaron and I had the chance to go to dinner with a couple of friends I haven't seen in a while, and miss so much. It was truly a good time.

Saturday night we went out with a big group. Some friends, some acquaintances, some strangers. I was glad to see most there, ambivalent to see others. Going out with large groups of people used to be how I spent the most of my weekends. It was something I was looking forward to, something I haven't done in a while. However, it was strange. After the initial excitement, it stressed me out. It wasn't necessarily even fun. Don't get me wrong, I loved that I got to see some of my closest friends, but the situation was no longer appealing to me on any level.

As uncomfortable as the situation became, it was very reassuring. My life as it is now is good, really good. For the first time, there are things, and to be specific, people, who no matter what aren't going anywhere. This feeling is very comfortable...

The Bad:

I got the umteenth call of rejection today.

Should have known when I didn't hear back last week.

Got the voicemail on my home phone today (I'm guessing so they wouldn't have to actually talk to me in person, seeing how all interactions thus far have been in person or on my cell). "This is X calling from XX Group. I was calling to let you know we did find a receptionist. "

This is code for "We think your not capable of answering the phone, restocking supplies, and greeting people as they enter the office." These skills all included in the briefing of what my responsibilities would be if I were to be hired.

I know I will find a job, it's just all very disappointing and frustrating. I like to think my self confidence is pretty good, but it took a blow today.

I consider myself a relatively smart individual. I'm not being cocky, it's just frustrating because for whatever reason people don't see me as smart. I think it may have something to do with the field I chose as my field of study in college. Purely speculation. For instance I used to have a friend who acted surprised and would make tacky comments when I knew facts she didn't expect me to know.

Anyway, I'm really disappointed. Surprisingly disappointed. I've been interviewing for almost three months, and still no mas, but nothing has really upset me until now. The company seemed like just the environment for me, and the position seemed perfect. Evidently it wasn't, but that doesn't make the rejection any easier to swallow.

The Ugly:

While pumping gas, I engaged in friendly conversation with my gas pumping neighbor adjacent to me. Not really by choice, but he was a large man, and he had a very large dog in the back of his truck.

We had a grand total of about 2 minutes of dialogue. He got in his truck. I continued to pump gas into my car. He got out of his truck and started walking toward me.

Oh, no. I try to ignore him to no avail. He says, "I was gunna ask, by any chance are you married?"

Are you freaking kidding me? At what point in our two minutes of verbal interaction were you "gunna ask" me? Why me? Why always me? I'm not flattered, I'm repulsed.

I reply cordially (remember there is a very large k-9 in the back of his truck), "I'm not, but I'm in a serious relationship." Perfect timing. My car is full. I get in, lock the doors, and drive off.

I proceed to go tan. Brian, one of my most favorite fabulous gay friends, and owner of the place that keeps me golden is working. I dramatically recount the story for Brian. He always makes me laugh. Being a fellow Baylor Bear, he says, "I hope you told him you were married to Jesus."

How funny would that have been.

So that's the good, the bad, and the ugly of my extended weekend.

GO MAVS!!!

TGITh

2005-04-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have a 4 day weekend, beginning this afternoon at 3:45pm... so very excited!!!

Why I can justify the outrageous amount of money I spend on coffee every morning: this morning when I picked up my coffee from the bar, someone had left a message with a sharpie on the lid that read "we heart megan." This is what is getting me through being called a "bitch" for the second time in 24 hours by someone half my age and being told I teach a "stupid ass" class. Nice right? I really wanted to respond to the student, " Who signed up for the stupid ass class taught by a bitch?" Sounds like a personal problem to me...

18 more days!!! When things get tough, I'm just going to stare at my coffee lid (because you bet I saved it, and it's on the wall next to my desk).

Happy Weekend to all!!!

If you're having a bad day, you should stop by the Starbucks on Oaklawn and Rawlins. Good people!!!

All Dressed Up With No Where To Go...

2005-04-27T06:24:00.000-07:00

So last night Aaron and I arrive at the new Barley House (not that it's new, but it has a new location, one that I do not yet find as enjoyable as the old location, maybe because I have issues with change, maybe because it's no longer crawling distance from my house, but I feel I will grow to be okay with it...) very excited about $2 pint night. We pull up, phone a friend who was going to meet us there, walk to the door, where are the people? It's dead, there are a couple of guys milling around, but this does not appear to be the usual crowd... We enter, we get funny looks, we are told they are closed. So sad. We went home. We also forgot to call the friend back who was going to meet us there, so if you are that friend, and you did in fact go to meet us there, we are truly sorry!!!

On a more cheerful note, I had a really good interview yesterday. Muy bueno!!! I went with the mindset, I'm not interested, but I'll see what they have to offer. I walked in, and I immediately felt, this is the place for me. The atmosphere was upbeat, and young, and the position is exactly what I've been looking for. They said they would give me a call and let me know, so we'll see. I'm so glad I went...

I have a very small friend who has had many bizarre health issues over the last few months. They've run all sorts of test on her, and they all come back completely normal, saying she's totally healthy. This morning, my small friend has an appointment with a neurologist at 9:15, so keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I think I may need to take a motion sickness drug if I continue to sit in my chair. I think my supplies can sense I'm leaving them and are beginning to make manifest signs of separation anxiety: my Outlook holding messages hostage, my chair, literally on it's last leg. My fancy desk chair is supposed to swivel and adjust up and down upon request. At this point however, my chair not only swivels, but it now rocks. It adjusts, but not only on command, but also whenever the mood strikes. I can be sitting in my chair and all of the sudden it just shoots up. I can also be sitting on my chair in one moment, and in the next on the floor. It's odd...

20 more days of students and a raggedy chair(including today)! Cheers!!!

Hostage Situation

2005-04-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

I have discovered a rather disconcerting situation with my email. My computer is holding messages hostage in both my inbox as well as my outbox. I am sending emails that no one is receiving, and people are sending me emails that I never get. This is no bueno!!! Actually wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact that I'm looking for a new job.

This past weekend, good times. Aaron and I saw the new Enron movie: "The Smartest Guys in the Room" from the comfort of his house, and no we did not have a bootleg copy. So cool, it came on his fancy HD cable. Interesting flick...

Practiced my ever disintegrating tennis skills yesterday. Is it really possible for one to regress so much? I have been told, playing tennis is much like riding a bike... Not so much my friends, I'm happy to announce I can disprove this theory...

Bought mayonnaise for 275 people. Quite possibly the funniest shopping experience I have ever had. For those of you who don't know, I teach Food Science. I am also a food nerd. We all have something we're "nerdy" about, and for me, the subject is food. I can spend hours in a quality grocery store (aka. Whole Foods, Central Market, tajma HEB in waco) and be completely entertained. I know it's a sickness...

Anyway, I have to shop for labs at the local Tom Thumb here in Duncanville quite often, so people get used to seeing me with multiple grocery carts and mass quantities of food. Although I still get the absurd comments like, "You must have a big family," "You must be having a dinner party," or "someone must be baking." Okay really folks, I buy food for almost 300 people. What the hell kind of dinner party do you think I'm throwing in my 900 sq. ft. condo?

Also, many of you may be aware of the fact that large quantities of prepared food, gross me out to the max. I can do the actual preparation, but am then unable to partake of the food myself. My first quantity food lab experience in college, I was in charge of sloppy joes for fifty. I'm pretty sure it was the 25 pounds of ground beef that scared my for life.

To add to this, I had a really bad experience with mayonnaise in the school cafeteria as a child.

Well, last Thursday, I did the grocery shopping for our Life Cycle Nutrition Lab. Basically we're just making a well balanced meal. One of the ingredients is mayonnaise. Okay, I can do this. I need to purchase 15 cups of mayonnaise. Well, with two carts full to the brim. Guess what I forgot.

Needed it for this morning, so over the weekend, I was going to need to pick up a very large quantity of mayonnaise in order to pull off lab relatively smoothly.

Aaron decided he wanted to be part of this, so yesterday after church, we stopped off at the Tom Thumb in Snyder Plaza and purchased 2 vats of mayonnaise. SO GROSS!!! The funny part, it's all we bought.

Tomorrow night, we plan to visit the new Barely House. It should be interesting to see...

Taking Risks

2005-04-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

If you've met me, you know I don't do risks well. Never had, but it seems the older I get and the more life I experience, the harder it is to trust. Not a fan of the unknown; however, I've also learned that risks are necessary to experience the abundant life. Sure you can stick with "safe" things, relationships, ideas, experiences, but how much regret will you have looking back on life later on?

I read an article on Relevant Magazine's website this morning, and will leave you with this quote from Adam Schaechterle:

"I am grateful for the pain. Like a mother trembles as she breaks her own body to give life, a heart has to shatter for a soul to burst forth, gasping for air. My willingness to trust has become a choice. Love and faith and hope are no longer ideas but braces holding the pieces of my brokenness in a new beauty."

Yes, sometimes risks do equate to pain at the end, but it helps mold us into who we are, and can lead to beautiful things.

Allergic to Freshmores...

2005-04-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

Ah, the beloved freshmores... (students who are too old to remain freshman, but don't have the credits to be sophmores, the lovely public education system of Texas promotes these lovelies, and entitles them, freshmores).

I have the opportunity to administer the Math section of the TAKs test to these individuals devoted to their education every year. At least it's generally an entertaining crowd...

I arrived at school, 7am, completely healthy... by the time the freshmores left my classroom at 12pm, I can't stop sneezing, can't breath out of either nostril, and my nose is running. Coincidence?

The most horrific thing happened to me yesterday. I wore a cotton skirt to work (this generally doesn't happen because cotton requires ironing...). When I was changing clothes at the gym a good 10 hours later, a pair of panties fell from my skirt! Evidently stuck to my skirt in the dryer. How happy am I that they didn't loose their cling until after work...

Migas and Amigos part deux

2005-04-20T11:50:00.000-07:00

Last night my small friend and I once again partook of omlettes the size of our heads while engaging in good conversation. Such good times!!!

Aaron and I drew the conclusion that everyone who took the normal quiz was 35% normal, due in part to the fact that we both scored 35% on the quiz. I am happy to announce that my small friend took the quiz, and she is in fact 50% normal, so we have been disproved!

I finally know exactly what I want to do when I grow up, at least for a little while, Account Services for an Advertizing Agency. After dinner last night I met with a guy I met through my dry cleaner who is in the business. I got all kinds of good info and some contacts. I'm really excited! I have been intrigued by advertizing for a while, but in the back of my head thought it was probably like so many of the other careers that have drawn my curiousity over the year, they're appealing from a distance, but so not me when it comes down to it...

Advertizing, not so. It's so me. It's my creative side and my anal retentive side and my presuasiveness and my people skills and my interest in pop culture and trends all rolled into one! I'm really excited about the whole possiblity.

So hungry... TAKS testing this week makes for lunch at 2:26pm... late, yes, but even later when you're the teacher who forgot their lunch!

I Knew it...

2005-04-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'm 35% normal... So says the quiz I found on the web. Find out how normal you are.

Job hunt: still hunting... have a fall back job offer if I need it, but have some pretty exciting interviews coming up, so we'll see...

It's Thursday, that makes tonight happy hour at Sambuca. I like spending time with my friends during the week, it makes work more easier to get through...

In my stereo right now: Muse. Like them a lot!

Sic 'Em Lady Bears!

2005-04-06T05:41:00.000-07:00

WOO HOO!!!!! In case you didn't catch the women's NCAA basketball NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP game last night, Baylor killed Michigan State in a very exciting game. Final score: Baylor 84, Michigan State 62. Go girls!!! And might I add, most of the Baylor team actually looked like girls... I'm pretty sure there were a few men on the opposing team...

This morning I realized I'm truly an adult. There are plenty of things in my life that would point to that (I have a college degree, I have a salaried job, I own a car and a house...), but for what ever reason, I've been in denial for a few years... not that being an adult is a bad thing, it's just something I've been avoiding. This morning a construction worker that was installing a new white board in my room (for no apparent reason I got an upgrade...) called me "ma'am," I looked up and realized I was at least 5 years older than him...

Tomorrow morning I'm off for my last trip on a school bus. Corpus Christi... I'm not excited, but at least it's the last time...

Serenity Now

2005-03-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

I tried closing my eyes and chanting this, but they were still there... the dreaded sixth block class. I'm exhausted and drained and don't worry, not going to talk about it, but I am going to say Slurpies still make things better.

After sixth block I had to buy groceries for lab next week. Three cart loads and more that would fit into my compact car to be precise...

On my way back to school I pass a 7-11, had to stop. Maybe the best thing that's happened to me so far today!

Slurpies, they're a good thing!

so close, yet so far away...

2005-03-28T12:38:00.001-08:00

So I moved to a new building after returning from spring break. It's nice because there's fresh paint and clean bathrooms; however, an observation I have made. The toilets are very short, which makes squatting a bit more difficult. Even farther away is the toilet paper dispenser... This makes quick trips to the restroom a smidge more difficult...

Tracey and I had some really good dialogue via email this morning. It's so funny how we can read each other even when we're hundreds of miles away...

Going to my second interview this afternoon with the guy I talked to last week. Promising.

Part, while a very small part, of the intrigue of this job is that it is very close to home. 1.5 miles close. I am very excited about picking out a banana seat bike to ride to work and saving my money for a green vespa with matching helmet...

Easter weekend was a good one.

Easter is in fact one of my favorite holidays; however, the last three years has been hard for me. Growing up it was a big deal. All the pomp and circumstance at church, dressing up, lace gloves and hats, baskets full of goodies. In college we always had a big sit down meal with my circle of friends who were at the time my family.

When I moved back to Texas Easter, while I still recognized it as a very important part of who I am as a Christian, became hard for me. Each year I would go to sunrise service and then go home by myself. I'm usually okay by myself, but for whatever reason being by myself on Easter made me sad.

This weekend Aaron and I went to Easter vigil on Sat. night. One of the coolest religious services I've ever been to. It was long, but I'm so glad I got to go.

Yesterday Aaron, Adam, and I cooked out. A little cold, but so much fun!

so close, yet so far away...

2005-03-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

I Did It...

2005-03-23T12:49:00.000-08:00

Why do I think fanning my face when I'm about to cry will make things better? Do I really think flapping my hands in front of my face is going to stave off the tears?

As a 26 year old woman I just caught myself doing just this.

There have been many tears over the last couple of weeks at school. Some from frustration, some from sadness, some from anxiety, but these tears were from a different place. These were tears of peace, relief, happiness, and to be completely honest some of them were tears of grief and sadness, but not necessarily of the bad variety...

I've been frantically putting together, pulling apart, and putting back together my letter of resignation for about 2 weeks. It's very simple, short, and too the point (which yes, is hard for me, I was taught in 10th grade AP European History, to expound and back up all statements with hard, tangible evidence and facts; however, not entirely appropriate or professional in this case), but was really hard for me to write.

I finished the letter Monday, but dreaded turning it in to the two people in the district I was told needed to be furnished a copy. I think part of it was I wasn't sure what to expect as a reaction, or if to expect a reaction at all. So I've been holding on to the letters for a couple of days.

This decision, the one to leave education for the moment, was not one I made compulsively on a bad day. It's been in the back of my mind all year. There has been incredible amounts of thought and prayer surrounding my choice.

So at noon today, with my heart pounding, I took my letters and delivered them.

I felt the tears coming. What? I don't understand. I have put thought and time and prayer into this process and thought I was past this. The first tears were tears of anxiousness. I held them back.

Then I anxiously watched as the head of Career and Technology Education for our district read my letter.

She said things to me that I've really needed to hear for the last 3 years. I wept.

I've always prided myself in being self-sufficient and independent. Partially due to the sheer # of people who have walked away from me for various reasons, and partially due to my stubbornness.

I've almost always been able to do things for myself and by myself, not needing others approval, attention, or acceptance. Lately I'm learning that I truly do in fact need people, and while I may not want/need to be the center of attention, being validated is important. It's also something I'm not so sure I'm good at, validating those in my life that are important to me, but something I'm definitely working on...

I was offered teaching all Food Science classes next year if I stayed. Tempting, but I think now is the time to move on...

I'm not sure what my next career move will look like, but I do have peace about the decisions I have made, and feel like everything will work out...

Vacation Holiday

2005-03-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

Last week was my final Spring Break, and may I say so amazing! It was exactly what I needed. It was good just to get away, but so much better than just getting out of Texas...

Aaron and I went to San Diego. I absolutely adore California, or at least the part we saw. We did so much (the beach, the zoo, Balboa Park, Little Italy, Down Town, a Harbor Cruise, real seafood), but would have been completely content just being in San Diego.

It was so nice to wake up and go to sleep to the sound of the waves. It's amazing how living in "the big city" wares on you without you even noticing. I think I've become so accustomed to the hustle and bustle that I don't realize, or maybe don't have time to realize, how much just my atmosphere affects my stress level. That was part of the allure of S D. It was so layed back. There wasn't traffic. It wasn't odd to see random guys strolling down the street in wet suits with surf boards in hand.

Surfers are intriguing. Do they have jobs? Are these just regular guys who surf in their time off? Or is surfing their way of life? Do they live in a van and eat ramen because surfing is such a value? Why so many guys? Where are the girls?

Aaron and I agreed, we must try surfing on our next SoCal excursion...

I think my favorite part of the trip was the afternoon we spent on the beach at Torrey Pines. The most beautiful place I've ever been!

Also ate some of the best food I've ever put in my mouth in a tiny family restaurant in Little Italy. Amazing!!!

It was such an incredible week! But this morning, it was back to reality when my alarm went off for the first time at 5am.

I finished my letter of resignation and plan on turning it in at some point this week. Change is scary for me. Stepping out into the world without a clue one more time is frightening, but much easier to do know than 10 years from now. I know I'll find a job. I just want to be sure it's one that I like.

Not necessarily doing something that I adore doing, I think if one of my passions (running, painting, cooking) became my career, I might lose the passion; however, I want to work, helping others in some capacity, in an environment that I enjoy. I think it's doable, and hopefully a change that will be easier to adjust to than others...

TGIF, REALLY!!!

2005-03-11T05:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was quite possibly the worst day of my teaching career. Instead of boring everyone with the continuation of my 3 years of whining, I'm just going to say, it was bad, I'm exhausted (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually), I have to come to the realization that I can't "save" the world, most definitely can't help people who don't want my help, can't give when I'm drained to the point of having nothing left to give, I'm walking away from this job on the 28th of May without looking back and with absolutely no regrets or guilt. Life is too short...

Last night I got to go to the Mavs v. Lakers game with Aaron. Good times. I have a fabulous new semi-celebrity interest. His name is Boogey Bob. He is absolutely hilarious!!! Really you should check this out. I don't have words...

Koby, evidently not popular in the big-D. Booed everytime he touched the ball. Not sure why, but I found this comforting...

It's Friday. It's my last Friday before Spring Break ever. My room has to be packed and labeled before I leave this afternoon. I will have a new classroom when I return in 2 weeks. Needless to say, I have incorporated moving into my curriculum today. It's perfect. Moving is a life skill, part of what I teach in my Parenting and Child Development classes. So today everyone will receive a "moving grade" to ensure it all gets packed before the 3:45 bell (because I don't plan on staying after that). Everyone will also receive a doughnut because I've found sometimes edible incentives help. I picked these doughtnuts up from a place in Dallas called, no joke, "Donut." Deep, right?

In 3 days and a couple of hours, Aaron and I will be on a plane on our way to sunny San Diego. Can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy weekend to all!

This Place is a Prison

2005-03-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

This place is a prison
and these people aren't your friends
Inhaling thrills through twenty dollar bills
and the tumblers are drained and then flooded
again and again.
There's guards at the onramps
Armed to the teeth
And you may case the grounds
from the cascades to Puget Sound
but you are not permitted to leave.
I know there's a big world out there
like the one that I saw on the screen
in my living room late last night
it was almost too bright to see.
and I know that it's not a party
if it happens every night
pretending there's glamour and candelabrum
when you're drinking by candelight.
And what does it take
to get a drink in this place?
what does it take?
how long must I wait?
how long must I wait?

To borrow a few thoughts from The Postal Service...

I have a really bad attitude about my job right now, and am desperately seeking a new one.

Guilt and worry are probably two "feelings/attitudes/concepts," whatever you want to call them that I struggle with and have struggled with in my life. These are, or at least can be healthy valid feelings, but what makes them for me a struggle, is that in my life they are often unhealthy and unnecessary.

This time it's not the worry, although anxiety is always lingering in the back of my mind. I've become much more adept at controlling my anxiousness.

This time it's guilt. I have and I'm not sure why, a super-sense of responsibility. And I'm not tooting my own horn here. This is not necessarily responsible in a positive connotation. I do happen to in fact be responsible, and always have been, but like many things in my life, I have taken responsibility to it's extreme. Responsibility to the point of anything that goes wrong I take responsibility, whether or not it's fully mine, and in turn, feel incredibly guilty to the point of physical sickness.

Among my all time greatest fears in life is to become a burden to someone I love.

For this reason, I've always stayed for the most part in the background. Relationships are valuable to me, so I've always been careful of whom I formed them with and for the most part, while running in pretty large social circles, I only kept a handful of "true friends."

This fear became a reality about 5 months ago. It wasn't the lowest point I've been at in my life, but I know for a fact it was the most hurt I've ever felt, and enormous guilt.

Guilt for me tends to become manifest at endings... relationships, music lessons, sports teams, jobs...

Right now I'm currently looking for a job. There was an enormous amount of guilt there as well. One of my passions in life is helping people. Specifically those who can't help themselves. One of the reasons I teach in the ghetto.

I was raised and still for the most part live in an environment of opportunity. These kids haven't been, and I feel it's my responsibility to help them gain the skills and make the choices that can put them in a better situation. For the most part, I love my kids. I even tend to gravitate toward the ones that make more bad decisions than good ones. They're kids, it's not their fault.

For walking away from this I feel guilty.

However, the more I'm cursed at, talked back to, and the more I listen to conversations and attitudes, I feel the more jaded I'm becoming. I'm beginning to wonder if they do in fact deserve a chance. I realize they do, but I also realize it's impossible to help those who don't have the desire to help themselves when given the opportunity.

I ran into a friend from college who recently quit her job at CPS for similar reasons. She said something to me that really made sense. She said,"You can't help others when you have nothing left to give."

For the time being. I'm drained. I don't have much left to give. Life is short. I've realized, I can still help people in a different capacity, while at the same time being in an environment that is positive and safe. At this point I have to take care of myself and walk away from the guilt.

Reality a Bit Too Close

2005-02-24T08:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I experienced quite possibly the scariest event of my life. I remember 9-11. I remember running on the treadmill at the SLC at Baylor and watching the TV with no sound, and thinking it was a clip from a movie. I remember going home shortly thereafter to get ready for class, flipping on the TV and hearing the horrific news. I remember it all being a little too much to process for a couple of days. It was so surreal. When I finally processed through the atrocity, I remember feeling as if everything was uncertain. I remember wanting to go home, wanting to be with people I loved and who were important to me 24-7, never knowing when they might suddenly be taken away. I had nightmares about the end of the world, literally, for months after the event. It was frightening, it was tragic, it was real, but it was at the same time several states away.

Yesterday morning around 10:30, the entire school (aprox. 2500 students) was evacuated. We discovered it was a bomb threat. Bomb threats here are pretty status quo. I was pumped about getting to be outside in the wonderful weather, and for a brief break in my super busy day. About 30 min. later, the all clear signal was given and we were told to head back in. Suddenly I saw a group of students about 20 jump one single kid. Security, police, teachers, they couldn't peal them off. Of course mob mentality set in. All I could see was an enormous chaotic mass of kids. They warned them to back off. It was as if they became wild animals with no sense. No one budged. Then there wast he mace and pepper spray into the crowd.

This chaos turned into a full blown riot. Some people say, "there was a riot," when things get a bit out of control. When I say there was a riot, I mean there was a riot. There were purses ripped from shoulders, there were several fights, there were trash cans thrown from the second floor over the banister to the floor below, there were vending machines knocked over and broken into, there were teachers thrown against the wall. There were probably 20 kids arrested. It was like something out of the civil rights movement of the 60s, but with nothing to justify all of the craziness.

It was all very real. We were told to return to our classrooms and were on lock down for the most part of the remaining school day.

Because of rumors of kids from other schools coming after school to shoot up the school, campus was surrounded by cops.

The reality of violence that so many of my kids experience and see on a regular basis became a very real part of my journey yesterday. It was uncomfortable. At the time it was very scary, but I didn't have the leisure of expressing my fear because I had 25 scared kids in my charge at the time, and had to convince them everything was going to be alright, even though I was at the time pretty much convinced otherwise.

I still don't know if everything is going to be alright. On my way to my morning duty post this morning, I passed two kids who were cuffed being escorted to a squad car waiting in front of the school. As I entered the main building of our school, it didn't look like a school at all. I've never been to war, but I think this is what war would look like if the soldiers were 15 years old and dressed in street clothes. I passed at least 10 local police and the word was there were 6 more squad cars on the way. Every security officer in the school was in the main hall, along with every administrator, football coach, and then me, because I had the priviledge of morning duty this morning.

These are just kids, but they've some of them have had life experiences I don't even know how to think about. On some of there faces there was fear, some hate and bitterness, some indifference. I saw a kid, one of my kids get in a police officers face when asked to put away his cell phone.

After having all night to meditate on yesterdays events and talk to people close to me, now I'm afraid. This is reality, and for the time being this is a really huge part of my life. I do not plan on coming back here next year, but it still concerns me very much.

Where have we gone wrong? What's going on or not going on that causes kids to think this sort of behavior is okay, or not to think about this sort of behavior at all, and not care about the consequences? Are there consequences? What are they? What should they be? Whitney Houston once said, the children are our future... Right now, this is a frightening thought for me...

Migas and Amigos

2005-02-23T07:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the priviledge of having dinner with a really good friend. Cafe Brazil, always enjoyable. It was good to see my friend. I miss getting to talk to her often...

On my way home from dinner, I passed the Virgin Megastore. Really wanted to stop, but restrained myself. Exited 75 and thought, "Tower Records, not far from home." I stopped. I couldn't control myself. The Frames keep coming up, and I've been intrigued.

Last week, Tracey mentioned she was planning on going to their show in DC sometime soon. Jason and Jeremy are flying up to go as well. Yeah, they're going to see Tracey, but the fact that they're going with the dual purpose of going to this show, makes me think, these guys must be good.

I did a bit of research and found out, The Frames actually opened for Damien Rice in Austin last year. Okay, these guys are good.

Sat. while Aaron and I were in pursuit of a Midlake alblum, I had the opportunity to have a brief listen to the Frames newest release. The little I heard, I liked.

While reading in Dave's book yesterday, I came across a reference to the Frames. Bizarre, another musician i deeply respect is sending a shout out to the Frames. Now I need their music...

Thinking they would only have one alblum, I pranced into Tower Records and right over to the "F" section. To my surprise, there were 3 alblums to choose from. OTOH... I'm not good at spur of the moment decisions, especially when they're unexpected. I decided to go with the oldest one, and then I could work my way up to their newer stuff. It's enjoyable. However, it's a live alblum. I try to stay away from these. Too much talking. Most musicians should not talk. Stick with what you're good at. I'm not so much interested in a story about a dog on the corner when you were a kid. Because these guys are Australian, it makes it a bit easier to handle. He talks about his friends a lot, but refers to them as "mates," which makes me smile.

Other than the dialogue, more like monologue. Really like the Frames. Aaron was asking me who they sound like, and I couldn't put my finger on it last night, but on my commute this morning the lightbulb lit up. The music itself is very Pearl Jamesque and the voice reminds me of Ryan Adams.

Okay, so it's raining a little here in Dallas, and by a little, I actually mean it's pouring. This is the type of rain that I don't actually mind as long as it's Sat. or Sun. morning, and I can lay in bed and watch the lightening and listen to the rain. However, being Wed. (and don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for hump day) I had the opportunity to drive to work in the down pour. No bueno!

Gotta go regulate. This is my week for morning duty. So much fun...

It's Official...

2005-02-22T12:41:00.000-08:00

...my doughnut quota for the year has been met. I was on the road with kids this past weekend. Leadership competition/regional meeting for an extracurricular I sponsor in Waco. I ate many of these sweet little confections, along with fast food of all genres. To top this off my kids watched "Super Size Me" in Food Science last week. The thought of fast food makes me cringe.

However, this morning we are administrating the TAKS test (Texas assessment of knowledge and skills, of which I personally feel is a screwed, very poor measurement of the knowledge and skills our kids actually posses. I think there is a much more authentic and thus accurate form of assessment out there, but no one asked me, and I generally get funny looks when I stand on my box and manifest my opinions. Fortunately, these looks do not dissuade me from verbalizing these thoughts. As a matter of fact, I rather enjoy the wide eyed furrowed brow looks I receive. They may not admit it out loud, but I think my, what some see has "crazy liberal" ideas on the philosophy of education make the skeptics think...), my co-proctor took our testing materials to the counseling center where it is kept under lock and key after all of our pupils finished. When he returned, he came bearing doughnuts, one for me and one for him.

Well, me being raised in the South, where all of life revolves around food, I was taught that refusing a gesture of food was in fact rude and un-lady-like. Over the years I have discovered that this is not in fact true, and this is a part, a very small part, of why the nation is full of obese people. All of this to say, I attempted to eat the doughnut. I could not do it. The gag reflex set in. Two bites, my stomach churned and I couldn't swallow. Luckily my co-proctor took a trip to the lou, so I took advantage of this opportunity to discard the doughnut.

Back to the TAKS test. There's always that one student who doesn't want to test. Today I have the privilidge of administering the test to our beloved population of "freshmores." These are the students who technically are still classified as freshmen, but because of stupid bureaucratic crap, they had to be promoted to the 10th grade. I noticed a young man in the back row with his head down. We are not supposed to talk to the kids, but because I feel that his education is important, and therefore he does too, I decide to rouse him. I gently tap him on his shoulder. No response... I tap again... no response... So I use the tactic I used to use on my sister during nap time when I was bored and wanted to play. I decided to tap until I annoyed the crap out of him and he woke/sat up... I tried to no avail. The young man sat up and proclaimed he was finished. His test was blank. The law says that I have to take his test, and that he in fact was finished.This makes me sad...

There is a bit of humor in the situation though... After relinquishing his testing materials, he proceeded to sleep. About every 30 min. or so, he let out an enormous amount of flatulence. SO FUNNY!!! What do you do? Being the mature adult and avid role model I am, I giggled. Not once, but all three times it happened. Sometimes you just have to laugh...

It's also official that I have a job interview March the 3rd with a company I am interested in finding more about. They may in fact not be for me, and I may not be for them, but it is a start...

Frank is back, he seems better, at least he's clean. It was an awfully expensive car wash. You shouldn't pity me though, in return for the hundreds of dollars I shelled out at the dealership, I received three butter mints... Totally worth it???!!! What the heck? Am I the only one that thinks it's weird? I at least deserve a coozie, or cosmetics bag, or a t-shirt that says, "my car's a lemon and I should have traded it in months ago..."

This past weekend, Aaron and I went to see Radiant and Hourly Radio again at the Granada. Excellent venue. Highly enjoyable. One of the best shows I've seen in a while. The headliner, "Midlake." Love them. Think Radiohead meets Travis. This is good stuff folks...

All my friends are writing books. Not sure why, this trend, but it seems everyone, maybe not everyone, but many of my friends over the age of 30 have decided to publish there thoughts. I started David Crowder's "Praise Habit: finding God in sunsets and sushi." Honestly I had a hard time getting into it, finding the beginning a bit cheesy, but am currently enjoying it. Dave is one of the smartest people I know and have had some of the most thought provoking conversations of my life with him, so I look forward to finishing this one...

Read a blog of a friend of a friend yesterday. I read it from time to time. She has some interesting thoughts. The blog yesterday was disturbing to me. The content was that of what a Christian should look like... how they should dress... what groups they should belong to... I'm not so sure God is concerned with these things... Pretty sure he takes us, wants us, and can use us just like we are... whatever that looks like, and whatever that comes adorned in... Any thoughts?

So Much To Say

2005-02-16T05:43:00.000-08:00

Where to start...

My birthday... Fabulous!!! The best ever...

All of those ridiculous bouquets of balloons and stuff animals wrapped in cellophane that everyone wonders who buys... high school students... they were everywhere, rediculous. Why can that not wait until 3:45 in the afternoon? Realy...

New running shoes... heaven... yesterday, worked half-day... the second half... needed to sleep a little to catch up on what I missed this weekend (and might I say it was so worth missing)... went for a run yesterday morning 7ish in my new shoes... beautiful weather accompanied by air under my feet instead of feeling every rock = perfection... I could have run forever...

The job hunt... made contact with a human being yesterday... sounded promising... have an interview next week... it's a start... we'll see...

Frank, my car, not Sinatra... decided to be obstanant yesterday... he's been squeeling, but I decided to pretend it was my pet pig and had even named the pig... well, on my way home yesterday he decided he did not want accelerate... no bueno... anyway, i now have a fancy loaner car, which is fun for the time being...

Bad Education

2005-02-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day all my friends! (and timeekah, if you're reading this happy vd to you, for everyone else, it's a long story, but she sent me a cookie gram at school last week that contained the message: happy bd and vd, i laughed out loud).

I had the most amazing weekend! As of last night at 11pm it had been the best birthday ever, and it wasn't even yet my birthday.

This morning when I arrived at school I was greeted by a student bearing a red rose, for me! Are you kidding? This doesn't happen! I have friends who teach elementary school who receive tokens of appreciation accompanied by hugs for all they do; me however, I usually get large objects such as desks thrown in my direction with a long chain of explicatives to follow. So this took me by surprise. She said it was for my birthday because I was her favorite teacher. I thought I was going to cry!

Today continues to be an enjoyable day because my kids are watching "Super Size Me." We're doing a unit on weight management, so I thought this would be more intriguing for them than me lecturing on processed foods and additives and what they do to our bodies.

In the beginning of the film when they rattle off some stats on obesity, they mention Virginia. I had a student ask if Virginia was a state!!!!???? I teach high school ladies and gentlemen! What in the hell are the core teachers teaching these kids? So frustrating. We teach to a test, but our kids don't know if VA is a state! It blows my mind. Back to my soap box, education as we know it needs to be reformed. We as educators need to revamp the way we're reaching and teaching these kids, and that I think may not look like the traditional classroom. I think Career and Technology programs are a good example of this. Our programs integrate the core subjects under the guise of something kids hopefully want to learn or are at least a little interested in in some small way. However, President Bush is trying to do away with our programs all over by cutting Perkins funding. Please write your Senators. Not only are these programs useful, they are necessary, they keep some kids in school who otherwise would not necessarily be here, but found something they're good at. They also provide skills and certifications that will get these kids jobs contributing to the community whether or not they plan on attending college. They also provide an alternative setting for students to learn and excel.

Okay, I'm off my box for now. Just needed to vent.

Have a wonderful Valentines/Megantines Day!

The Mind is the First to Go...

2005-02-10T06:09:00.000-08:00

In a few days I will once again turn 22, and I blame the occurances of this morning on that fact.

Wednesday nights Katrin comes over we have good dinner, drink wine, watch bad TV, and as a result usually go to be a tad bit later than 10:30 (my usual school night bedtime, and because I'm slightly AR and incredibly OC, seldom do a stray from this schedule). So this morning when my alarm went off at 5:15am, I did hit snooze a couple of times. So I hit the shower a little slightly later than usual.

So I rush. By the time my hair is dry and straight, I am only 5 minutes behind schedule, and might I say, very proud of myself.

This is when it all started to go awry. I did laundry, so I had matching undies. check. pants. check. sweater. Where the hell is my sweater? frantically look in the "green section" of my closet (and yes, everything is color coded. one side tops. sleeveless, then short sleeves, then long sleeves, then sweaters, in each color category. and pants, skirts, and dresses on the other). not there. look in the dry cleaning bags I brought in last night. not there. This is not good, so I opt for another top.

At this point I've added 10 minutes to my degree of lateness for a grand total of running 15 minutes late. All I need is shoes.

Arrive at shoe closet, open door, look in hanging shoe organizer, the section that holds my pointy black heels that work with my very long black pants, empty. No bueno!!! Not in my gym bag, not in my clothes closet, not on the floor anywhere in the slightly less than 900 sq. ft. of living space I own. I do not have time for this or to change clothes, so I am currently wearing slightly shorter heels that are not tall enough for my pants, but life goes on...

In case you were worried, I did make a stop for coffee on my way to work...

What goes next?

Workin' for the Weekend

2005-02-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

Things here have gotten a bit better, but by no means have they slowed down.

I realize it's wrong to wish my days away, but I'm so looking forward to this weekend!

Yesterday, they caught the second rat of the month in our dept. Not sure how long it had been there, but the smell was pretty overwhelming, and had most probably been masked by the sent of eggrolls for the last week. gross!!!

Today I found out my second student in the last two weeks has been incarcerated. The disturbing part of it all is that neither of these kids have given me trouble. They seem to be good kids for the most part.

To partially relieve the depression of that discovery, Cordney Smith just came by to visit. I had him as a student in Responsible Parenting 2 years ago. Last Wednesday he signed to play football for Baylor, my alma matter. I may quite possibly be more excited than he is, and he's pretty excited. Cordney is currently ranked 9th in the state in the way of running back recruits. Truly talented and a genuinly good kid through and through. I hope many many good things for him in his life as a Baylor Bear and thereafter. He deserves it!

It's students like Cordney that make me wonder if I'm making the right decision not to come back. I'll truly miss that part of the job...

We Didn't Start the Fire

2005-02-07T13:01:00.000-08:00

Last night I had an enjoyable dialogue with Aaron and his brother Adam reminiscing on old music we loved and for the most part still do. I would like to add this song to the list. I distinctly remember singing along at a bowling party, in I believe the third grade.

Why does Monday always start so abruptly? It's as if life wants to baptize you by fire sometimes, and today, quite literally. The instructional day begins at 8:30 am. By 8:40 am, I already had a grease fire and a shattered bowl. Don't ever let me say my job is boring...

This morning, I had a chance to glance at the website of a company I plan on applying for employment with by the end of this week. I think I was made to work for them. Their home page read: "Sweat, persistence, and endless attention to details." Could there be a better match? Although I do prefer to sweat at the gym or while running outside.

The weekend was excellent! Friday evening, chilled at my crib (code for did laundry, and vegged on rita, my couch, sorry Katrin, sofa{Katrin says a sofa is a piece of furniture one puts in their living room, a couch is what fraternity boys but on their porch}).

Sat. the usual kickboxing class, followed by a relaxing day spent with Aaron. Sat. night we saw "Closer." I've been wanting to see this film for a while. I'd heard very mixed reviews, so was quite intrigued. My review: film, well done, characters, easy to dislike. I'm glad I saw it.

Last night, the Super Bowl at Adam's. It was good times. In general, not a football fan, but it was a good game, commercials entertaining, Paul McCartney at half-time, and of course, stellar company. My favorite commercial, Career Builder. I haven't yet made it to this website, but so plan on checking it out. The monkeys at the office. SO FREAKING FUNNY!!! That's truly how I feel so often...

Here's to Monday!

Barely Breathing

2005-02-04T05:28:00.000-08:00

I keep asking people what ever happened to Duncan Sheik, but no one seems to know. We used to sing that song in high school when our art teacher sprayed primer in the classroom. As in an enclosed area with 20 kids. We didn't have to sneak around to get high, our teacher helped us out...

I feel as if I'm barely breathing. Luckily it's Friday, so I only have to make it through the day. I've felt pretty defeated this week. Just when it feel like I can't possible take anymore, a whole lot more gets dumped on me.

I just keep repeating the words of St. Francis in my head:
"O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love."

Chickity China the Chinese Chicken

2005-02-02T13:01:00.000-08:00

It's that time again. The week every year I smell like I work at a fast food restaurant. The week of the eggroll lab.

Kelly's classes are doing egg rolls today and tomorrow, and my Food Science kids will cook them on Monday. They really do taste good, but the smell is bad. Very, very bad. It completely invades our entire building, and violates everyone and everything: clothes, hair, coats, bags. The stench is not discriminatory, anything that absorbs smell it's cool with. Me, myself, and my belongings will smell like a deep fat fryer for the next week.

Work this week has been pretty tough. I've pretty much decided I'm not coming back next year, and am avidly seeking new employment. Applied for a job as a Food Science Lab Manager with a local company, but have not yet heard back.

I will miss my kids, but have decided there are other ways I can interact with at risk kids. Quite possibly ways where I could have just as much influence with less bureaucratic crap, and a lot more fun. Not that life, or for that matter, work specifically should always be fun, I just think it's becoming an unhealthy situation for me.

On a lighter note, listening to Sarah Mc Lauchlan this week. Heard it in Starbucks Monday morning and decided it was time to break her back out again. Really good lyrics.

Scrubs last night, highly enjoyable! The best part, JD and Turk, roboting and the "African-American" club. So funny!

Guilty pleasure of the week: The Bachelorette. A little embarrassed to admit to viewing it, but I do, regularly. The whole concept angers me, the desperate competition for someone's attention. It's all so wrong, yet I find myself, not only watching it, but rooting for certain people in particular. This year it's Jerry. I like Jerry. I think it's because he's the director of an art gallery. What a cool job!

Half-way through the week! I know it's bad to wish my days away, but lately I've been so exhausted and overwhelmed with work that the weekends are a really nice break. I get to breath.

Way You Make Me Feel

2005-01-30T18:39:00.000-08:00

The weekend again comes to an end. How come they go by so quickly?

I think we all know, I love live music. All forms and fashions, almost every genre (well, limited country, and not necessarily rap metal, but other than that it's on my favorite's list, along with friends, art, wine, running, cooking, and chips and salsa to name a few...).

Friday night I went to quite possibly the best show I've been to in quite some time. Radiant, a local band. They were truly amazing!!!

At dinner Aaron boldly stated that they were far better than Maroon Five. Lately I've become a Songs About Jane addict. It's all I can listen to. I mean, I can listen to other things, but immediately following the other discs I must cleanse the pallet of my stereo with Maroon Five. More specifically, "Secrets" over and over and over. Love it! So when Aaron made this comment I was skeptical.

So true! Please don't get me wrong. I still enjoy myself a little Maroon Five, but Radiant was far better! I'm a food geek, so let me make this analogy. Maroon Five is to Alberton's what Radiant is to Whole Foods.

Good, quality music. The kind you can feel with your whole body! So highly enjoyable.

The company was also very good!

One last question, why do they show "Shallow Hal" five times a day? Are there actually people who have so little to do with themselves that they would submit themselves to that kind of torture more than once in a lifetime?

Don't Bite the Hand that Feeds You!!!

2005-01-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

So it's Friday at last! The last two weeks have been pretty long even with having last Monday off.

Can you see the smoke from my ears? I screamed outloud Wed. afternoon after school. Partially due to an enormous amount of stuff to do, but mostly from frustration with a co-worker. For confidentiality reasons, we're going to call this person, "teacher-x."

Teacher-x joined our faculty at the end of Sept. It so happens that teacher-x teaches only one class, and that one class happens to be one of the two I teach. I was appointed to help her out. This I do not mind. In fact, selfishly, I tend to find a great amount of satisfaction in helping others. Teacher -x had never taught before, so I thought, in the beginning, I'll give her a copy of my lesson plans (of which I plan out in 6 week chunks because I"m AR and this brings me comfort). So I give her my plans, along with all copies of the notes for all of my lectures, power points to accompany the notes, and copies of all assignments for that first 6 weeks she was with us. So basically all she has to do, is show up, and manage her classroom. Cake right?

Teacher-x chooses to disassociate herself from all other teachers in the dept. When asked to join us for lunch, teacher-x says no and sits in her room. When others try to have friendly conversation, she avoids it. I find this odd...

My thought is, by the next six weeks, she can help me plan and create some of these lessons that devour hours of my life. Not so much, she not once asks to help, but instead shows up to my room every morning for what to teach for the day. It's funny how she can't have a conversation with me unless she needs something. This gets old, so I once again forward her all of my stuff to conserve my much needed morning preparation time (because I teach an extra class and only have a conference period every other day).

Come Winter Break, she starts making comments both to me and to other teachers about how she's falling asleep teaching my lessons that they are so boring! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!! I write this off as her not having much tact and poor social skills. The comment is made three times, on three separate occasions. The third occasion was a Saturday workday. I was sitting at my desk planning lessons for next semester. I finally said "This is the what I'm teaching, this is how I'm teaching. I've found in my three years of teaching that this is what works best for me and my kids. If you do not like it, DON:T USE IT!!! Plan your own lessons."

Well, I'm still planning her lessons, or let's just say I was until Wed.

Wednesday afternoon, one of my students, a student I've had in a class for the last 3 years, came to be with a concern about teacher-x who she also has. To shorten my very lengthy story. Teacher-x has straight up told her entire class that she doesn't like the other teachers here. My student was concerned because teacher-x yelled at her for apparently no reason. She was upset. She's one of my special needs students and for this reason truly don't believe she made it up. I questioned her further, she told me she quit participating in teacher-x's class because she never validated her opinions or included her (and a group of other students) in discussions. WHAT? Also, when she asked teacher-x if she could use her phone to call her mother to check on her baby, teacher-x said, "Why don't you go across the hall and ask your favorite teacher?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Be bitter against me. Hate me. Be jealous of me (not that that's what this is, I'm not real sure why all the bitterness, frankly doesn't really concern me). but DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT take it out on my kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's just a kid! What has she done to you? Even if she has done something, she's just a kid! And especially coming from the environment most of our kids come from, they need to be validated, they need to know we all mess up and that's okay if we're willing to accept the consequences that come with those mishaps.

The whole situation made me physically ill. I'm not sure how I can report it without involving the student, and I'm not going to do that. It just made me want to throw up!

I think you all know I have real issues with fakeness. I don't tolerate it from others, and not capable of it myself. I think it will be very apparent that there is something up. Be an adult and address me head on. None of this passive aggressive mess!

I caught a glimpse of the "overwhelmed" feeling yesterday afternoon for the first time since October. My insides started tightening up. I reminded myself to breath, I avoided panic this time. Hope I can continue to do so over the next several weeks.

Last night, the annual Powder Puff game. So cold, and there was rain. Not enjoyable, but beats the heck out of my usual All Night Bowling Party Senior duty.

Gotta run pick up more fun foam for our kids to finish a project with.

Happy Weekend to All!!!

Yesterday's Gone

2005-01-26T06:02:00.000-08:00

Heee! I did it. The dreaded singing out loud without realizing it in public. Work's been a little crazy for the past 2 weeks, so I've been hitting the gym right when everyone else in uptown Dallas hits the gym. 6ish. It's so crowded! And I've been forced to run inside on a treadmill. Not something that makes me happy, but better than not running at all, so last night I'm finishing up 6 miles in one place. Cooling down. Listening to a radio station that I, out of embarrassment, am not going to disclose. Ryan Cabrera came on. "On the Way Down," to be specific. I started singing along. On the treadmill. Out loud. I only sang one line of the chorus and then caught myself, actually noticed the girl next to me with no music glaring at me strangely.

I've become a big fan of Ryan C. It may have something to do with missing a chunk of music back in the late 80s and early 90s. My mother had to first preview any tape that we bought, which limited mine and Katrin's collection. I think we ended up with, Wilson Philips, Paula Abdul, Whitney Houston, Debbie Gibson (and yes, in case you were wondering, that came complete with the Electric Youth perfume...) to name a few. Boy bands were pretty much outlawed. Not sure why.

I have a feeling Mom would like Ryan. I think we would've been allowed to own his tape. He seems a pleasant wholesome sort. There's no sexual conotation and no offensive language...

Last night I finally got a chance to listen to "Elm St." one of his first alblums. It may actually be his first alblum, not exactly sure. I listened through it twice, and then again on the way to work this morning. Love it! More enjoyable than the latest Ryan C in my opinion. Not as much pop influence. That's what the world needs, more old school "Ryan Cabrera."

New Scubs last night. That's always good stuff...

Tomorrow night, Powder Puff football. My duty, crowd control. Funny right? Evidently I'm scary!

It Just Is

2005-01-25T05:26:00.000-08:00

That is, Rilo Kiley, still an enjoyable listen on the way to work. Also, most probably very entertaining for those driving around me. I caught myself a few times singing along, yes, but also dancing. That's right I was dancing to the best of my ability while commuting from the big D to the little D at 6:45 this morning behind the steering wheel.

Do you ever wish the commute to work were longer? I find myself having this thought on most mornings. It's not that I love driving, not that I'm partial to traffic, and I'm pretty sure it's not even because I don't want to be at work. I think it has more to do with me not being good at change. I've blogged about this before. It's apparent in most areas of my life. I realize change is good and sometimes the healthiest option, but I'm not good at it. I find myself most mornings longing for a longer transition between the warm comfort of my bed and my classroom.

I'm here, and hopefully ready for all the day holds. In the strange microcosm of highschool the only expected is to expect the unexpected. I did get plenty of sleep. No angry neighbors last night (I did put in a complaint, which I so gracefully disguised as a concern, and learned some very interesting info. which I may choose to disclose in the future). But so far it looks as if it's going to be a good day.

More Adventurous

2005-01-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to Rilo Kiley. Borrowed it from Aaron. That and the original Ryan Cabrerra (haven't had a listen to that one yet, but am greatly looking forward). Rilo Kiley, highly enjoyable. It's the kind of music that makes it okay to drive to work on Monday morning after one and one half hours of sleep. Best if listened to at very loud volumes.

Once again, didn't get much sleep. My neighbor yelled on the phone, and then at someone off and on between about 12:30 and 3am. No bueno! I would've said something, but I was a little afraid. He's a very large man, and I have this unsettling feeling he's involved in some sort of organized crime (this very well may be my over developed imagination, and an influence of many hours of Law & Order watched in college). His favorite word is evidently the F one... I think I'll talk to the guy at the courtesy desk when I get home this evening. I don't want him to know who turned him in, but come on, surely someone else already did...

Very excited, Zach Braff finally has a new post. Read it this weekend. Didn't say much, but he hadn't posted in almost a month. I was afraid he became a big fancy movie star and abandoned his peeps...

I got white tulips this weekend! They're my absolute most favorite flower in the whole wide world! They're beautiful!!! I think part of the reason I like them so much is that they have a mind of their own. They're completely unpredictable. Every morning, they're facing a different direction.

Spent some really good quality time with the giver of the white tulips, which was by far the most enjoyable event of the weekend!

Mailed my homestead exemption. I'm such a grown up.

Saw "The Assassignation of Richard Nixon." It was really good; however, if you're even the slightest bit suicidal, I don't recommend this film...

Read the "best of" issue of the Mobile Bay Monthly. One of my many guilty pleasures. It's kind of like "D" magazine, but not really because afterall, Mobile is not really Dallas. Enjoyable non the less...

Oh, there's the bell, it's finally time for lunch. Lunch at 1:27 is brutal, by the way, by this time my tummy isn't just talking, it's speaking in complete sentences and not always completely polite.

Where I'm From

2005-01-22T13:32:00.000-08:00

I loves me some Shelby Lynne, not all the time, but when the mood strikes. Like most music, it's full of memories. I can almost feel the wind blowing off the bay on a warm summer afternoon.

Actually I'm sitting on my sofa looking out over north Dallas wonder exactly how cold it is. It's a beautiful day, just very windy, and I'm pretty sure a tad bit cold.

Last night I did something I swore off exactly 10 years ago! I wrote a speech. After Ms. Pererria's required 10th grade speech class, I promised myself never again. I right then and there swore off the professions of polititian and spokes model. This class accompanied by a regular dose of zoloft resulted in many sleepless nights and panic attacks. I also used this criteria to choose a major in college. Anything that required speech, not for me. The part that makes it okay now I think along with a huge amount of self esteem I was then lacking, is that I'm not the one who actually has to stand up and give this speech.

Now I'm going to enjoy the rest of my Alabama state of mind...

Cold Hearted Snake

2005-01-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

Back to the song titles. A throw back title at that, to keep with the 80s theme from the mavs game last night, which by the way was so much fun! So many people, giant athletes (I really didn't know it was physically possible to be over 7 ft. tall?) that get paid a ridiculous amount of money to do something they love, and loud music. So fun!

I have a student in my 3rd block class that keeps insisting I look like Paula Abdul. The first time he made this connection was about half-way through my very thorough review of the processes of labor and delivery on which my students have a test today. His face lit up. As a educator this is a brief and fleeting moment you strive for and rarely see, that very moment where it all makes sense. In my mind, I've successfully taught this unit. This young man clearly understands these concepts and is going to ace my test. Not so much, wide eyed and grinning, remember this is in the middle of my eloquent review, he shouts out in his most excited voice, "Miss!!!!!!!!! You look just like Paula Abdul!!!!!!!!!"

I'm baffled. I don't see the resemblance at all. I'm a WASP. I can't dance unless I've been over taken by the spirit, and not the Holy Spirit. Singing, tried youth choir as a child. Not so much!

Trying to keep control of my class, not laugh out loud myself, and not hurt this young man's feelings (he is one of my behavioral challenged students for whom I have a behavior plan, aka how to keep other students safe if he ever gets out of control, but he's always been great in my class, partially due to the fact I think he feels like he gets respect, so he in turn models that respect), I bite my lip, smile, and say "you think? I never really saw that resemblance, but thank you, I think."

The rest of the class now wants to discuss my dancing abilities or lack there of, so we laugh, talk for a minute, and move on.

So funny!!!

On a different note, joy vs. happiness, something I've been thinking of a lot lately. If you've met me, you know, I have boughts where I'm not happy. Sometimes a day, sometimes a year, depression generally shows up unannounced and seems always to wear out it's welcome even when it's brief. It's something I've struggled with since I was about 12. I hate it, but at the same time a lot of beauty and much of my character are results of these periods in my life, so for that I'm grateful.

I had one of these episodes last week. It only lasted a few days. I was unhappy, but for the first time I had an overwhelming sense of peace that I was okay. I was sad, but I had joy. This was the first time I've ever had this feeling. I'm not completely sure how to explain it, other than for the first time in my life I have joy, pure and utter joy. It's amazing!

Randomness

2005-01-18T06:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know, my thoughts are generally pretty random in expression, but believe it or not, they do flow in my head, they are actually connected in some bizarre way...

Yesterday was the celebration of Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday, for which, we recieve a day off of school. Love not working on Monday! For that matter, love not working any day, but it's highly enjoyable to wake up and realize there is no where I have to be!

What I did with myself yesterday:

ran outside, one of my most favorite things to do; however, in Dallas yesterday it was 23 degrees. much colder than i like it. i can now once again feel my fingers. this is a good thing.
had lunch with my boyfriend at Red, Hot, and Blue, Memphis style bbq. yummy!!!!
went to hobby lobby to get a "gift" for Tracey, and yes, Tracey, you should be very afraid!
ran to Walmart to get something for my kids at school to paint this afternoon
finally saw "The Life Aquatic"so good!!! incredibly funny. if you haven't seen this yet, you must, and soon!!!

Anyway, today it's back to status quo.

Tonight however, I'm going to the Mavs game. I'm super excited! It's my first pro basketball game!

Happy Tuesday to all! Isn't great to start a week on Tuesday?!

Let Go

2005-01-07T06:06:00.000-08:00

If you are among the two people in the world who have yet to see Garden State, please please please run don't walk to your local movie rental store, and pick it up. Quite possibly the best movie I've seen ever! I know, it's a bold statement, that's how good it actually is.

I think the reason I feel in love with this movie was that I connected in so many ways. Parts of the movie made me feel naked, as if everyone was watching me, this was my life, this is an experience I've had. Also, the concept of home, that home is actually a group of people striving for the same things and hanging on to similar memories.

The sound track to this movie is also pretty dang amazing, The Shins, Cold Play, Remy Zero, just to name a few. The song "Let Go," by Frou Frou is one of my favorites. Sometimes letting go is all we can do. This often involves raw authenticity and vulnerability, and is rarely pretty, but it's real, and if you look hard enough there is beauty there. It may not come in the form you expect or want, but it is beautiful.

Found this quote this morning:

Why fear the dark? How can we help but love it when it is the darkness that brings the stars to us? What's more: who does not know that it is on the darkest nights that the stars acquire their greatest splendor?
- Dom Helder Camara (1909-1999), Brazilian Catholic archbishop

I have to remind myself darkness comes, but it will go away, and the darkness helps shape who we are.

Have a wonderful weekend and remember, there is beauty in the breakdown!

Good News for People Who Love Bad News

2005-01-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

It is so cold here in Dallas. One, of a very long list of reasons, Texas does not qualify as part of the actual south. I'm usually pretty prepared for coldness, but not today. Caught me completely by surprise! Katrin, my sister, spent the night on my sofa last night, so I missed my morning dose of the local news. I'm telling myself this is why I packed a t-shirt of the short-sleeved persuasion to wear over my shorts and running top home from the gym tonight when it had already dropped below freezing.

The question of is it better to be too hot or too cold is always a topic of discussion at the work place. I'm not sure why. I remember having it every summer at the club where I lifeguarded through high school. It was always concluded that it was better to be hot. I'm thinking this conclusion was drawn due to the fact we wore little clothing and could jump into a pool at any point. I remember this discussion at the CPA firm I interned at the tax season after I graduated from college and found myself utterly unemployed and living at home. Once again I came the same conclusion, hot definitely better. Yesterday, when it was nearly 80 degrees (Dallas weather is incredibly bizarre, tonight it's freezing, yesterday it was summer) and extremely humid, and I had so cleverly chosen a wool suit to wear to work, I decided cold much better. Tonight on my 3 block trek from the gym down McKinney Ave. to my car adorned in my t-shirt and shorts. I was cursing this thought (hopefully in my head, but I was so cold I may have unknowingly done so outloud).

It's official, I do not enjoy coldness! I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon, who conveniently left Dallas this morning and at the time was sitting in her apartment on the beach in California, where it was beautiful and 75 degrees about how to get warm when your chilled to the bone. She suggested taking a bath to the point of sweating, that this would warm me up for approximately 2 hours, then I would need to repeat this ritual. I tried it. The hot sweating bath. I was at the time warm. I removed my warm and bright read body from the bath and stood under the heat lamp in my bathroom and shook with coldness. For me, the sweaty bath, no bueno. I'm still cold, and now I'm thinking I have to take another bath. If I sweated, I'm dirty. I should bath again before I go to bed.

The good news about the frigid temperatures. If the streets ice over tonight, no school tomorrow. This would be a good thing for several reasons: a.) I could sleep in and be a bum (sort of a continuation of the last two weeks of my life) b.) no work c.) I forgot to stop by the dry cleaners on my way home (actually it was sort of an intentional forgetting. if I stopped, I would have to get out of the car, which would equate to leaving warmness to be cold. always opt for warmness my friends, even if it means wearing frumpy clothes the next day).

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

2004-12-30T18:44:00.000-08:00

Upon reading blogs of those I know and love, the trend in blogs this week seems to be lists (which still make me very happy and I find quite enjoyable to read, so keep up the good work my friends) of tops for the year. I've yet to come up with one of these, but I will say all in all 2004 has been good for me. I made it through my second year teaching which was so much easier than the first, I bought my first home, a very frustrating, yet very satisfying process, and as usual, people have come and gone in my life.

Personally, I'm not good at change, never have been; however, change seems to be one of the only constants in my almost 26 years of life. I'm getting better at adapting to change, but still not easy. I think the hardest aspect of change for me is people coming and going from my life. Sometimes they go for happy reasons, like marriage, or grad school, or an exciting new job or life change, but sometimes they leave for hurtful and/or hard reasons such as death or the ending of a relationship.

Relationships are important to me. Something I highly value and take very seriously. I've learned through the years, that these relationships no matter how they change or end are vital to who I am and help to shape me both positively as well as negatively.

Trust issues. One more thing I've always had. Because of past relationships of all types, I'm very reluctant to let people in because I've learned to more vulnerable you are, the more it hurts at the end. St. Francis of Assisi has a quote about having to take the risk to experience love. I completely agree, but it doesn't make it easier. All in all, I would say there are two people on this earth who know everything about me, Katrin, my sister, and Tracey, my best friend in the whole world.

As usual, people have come and gone this year. I've broken up with boys, lost friends, my last living grandfather died, Wesley moved to L.A., Tracey moved to D.C. All changes that were hard for me, and continue to be, some are changes that make me want to completely shut down, put the fortress up, and keep to myself, after all, if I don't lay any of me out there, no one can hurt me.

Today I spent the day with Wesley, we went to lunch with some old friends and then just hung out. It was really good. It was very reassuring. True friends stick around. They're there through the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly. They take all of you and embrace it. Affirm the good, support through the hard and ugly stuff, but never disappear.

consistency is something I haven't known much of. Sometimes by choice, sometimes because of life situations, but it feels good. Because I've learned only to expect abandonment from people, I'm okay by myself. I can do it all myself, and a pretty darn good job of it all, but am so thankful for the amazing people God has placed in my life, and the perfect timing of it all. So I can willingly say, I get by with a little help from my friends.

I love you dearly my friends. It's been a truly amazing year. Peace and love to you all in 2005.

Sweet Home Alabama

2004-12-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

Katrin and I just got back from a quick trip to Alabama for the holidays. We've yet to find the perfect length of a trip home (I call Dallas home now, but also refer to Mobile using this term, not real sure how that works. I like the idea of home as concept and relationships much more than a tangible specific place, in this light I guess it does make sense). After factoring in travel time a 4 day trip seems to leave not enough time for all the things that need to be done.

Anyway, while in Mobile, stopped in a local book store with my family. Skimmed a book of 101 "dang" good reasons to live in Alabama. While the deep south is not the location I choose to live move and have my being at the moment, it really was a wonderful place to grow up. I feel like the media has led the general public to believe that Alabama is completely backwards and that people live in trailers and speak with horrible accents, neither of which is the case.

I've decided to compile my own list (I'm OCD, and lists make me incredibly happy. I have lists for everything). A list of things found in Mobile that I love, things that are important to me, things that bring back memories of all types...

the bay, and all things surrounding it, boats, coastline, piers, restaurants...
porches, of both the front and back persuasion
running outside, hills, trees, scenery
neighborhoods with history, where all the houses look completely different, but somehow tie together
knowing people/people knowing you everywhere you go (this can also be bad)
live local music
boutiques, cafes, coffee shops, none of which belong to a chain
92.1 the zew, the world's best radio station, a mix of perfection
fresh seafood, cheese grits (homemade, not the kind that come in the little brown pouches), fried green tomatoes
southern culture, yes, this is bittersweet, I love the slow pace of life, the rich history, art, music, manners, secret recipes, but there are aspects that I've rejected politics, stereotyping, religion out of habit and obligation rather than a chosen way of life

Just a few... I'm sure the list could go on and on.

I had a wonderful time at home, just wish I had had more time to spend with friends and family spending lazy afternoons sitting on porches overlooking the bay with wine and good conversation.

One observation Katrin and I made on our little road trip: the states of Louisiana and Mississippi need to raise their taxes so they can repave the roads. That or pay for the realignment my car is going to need after driving across their states.

The Sound of Silence

2004-12-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

This my friends is what I'm enjoying right now.

Yes, it's Saturday, and yes, I'm at work; however, really not so bad. Leisurely strolled in 9ish with my venti caramel macchiatto. Currently sitting in front of my computer listening to Modest Mouse. Ahhh, so refreshing, no shouting obscenities across the classroom, no music blaring from the forbidden headphones that all of my darlings bring to class on a daily basis, no complaining, no snoring. And yes, if this was my day everyday I would most probably be utterly bored and frustrated because I do tend to thrive on chaos, when there's a method to the madness, but am thouroughly enjoying the moment for the time being.

Love Shack

2004-12-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

So I just finished reading all the news blurps on Relevant Magazine's website, because that's what you do when you teach high school and it's the day before winter break, and all your grades are finished, and all lessons for next semester planned.

Evidently the B-52's house burned down in Athens, GA yesterday. Nothing left but the tin roof... I don't know this for fact, but no joke, the blurp stated that they will be staying with Audio Adrenaline. At least there will be a big, big house with lots and lots of food. So funny! I probably shouldn't admit this out loud, but I did see them in concert with DC Talk in junior high.

Have I mentioned how in need of this break I am? Tomorrow I begin my 2 weeks off with road trip to the booming metropolis of Waco. As truly bizarre as it sounds. I love Waco. So many memories, so many friends, such good times! I will be attending a going away party for my closest friend in the whole wide world. She's going to DC for her MSW internship. It's all very exciting and very sad at the same time. I'm so happy for her, I'm just afraid DC will find out how amazing she is and not give her back to us.

Another Brick in the Wall

2004-12-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

Disturbing lyrics if you've ever read through them. I truly hope as an educator I never become "just another brick in the wall," but there are for sure days I feel as if I am. In particular, every B-day just after sixth block. It actually feels a bit more as if I'm charging a brick wall head first and then turn around and do the same thing over and over again.

I love my kids, but there are a few that just don't understand basic "life skills." It's both sad and frustrating at the same time. These kids are the reason I'm here, but don't feel that I'm necessarily making a difference. Deep down I know I have an impact even if I can't see the results. This too is a little scary. I'm in a way responsible for these kids' actions. The old African proverb that it "takes a village" is true, especially in today's world and this environment.

Anyway, speaking of Pink Floyd. Heard an NPR report that they're in a bit of legal trouble in regards to this song. Seems that they forgot to have the kids who did back-up sign releases. Oops!!! Where was I thirty years ago? Oh yeah, I wasn't born...

All at Once

2004-12-15T05:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, so if you've met me, you know I have, and have had for quite some time, a "thing" for Pete Yorn. He's amazing, but we'll save that for another day. In his song "All at Once," he says, "All at once I break my silence, all at once there's no more hiding." This is what I'm doing right now.

Most know, I'm not much for sharing, but lately I've been trying new things. So I'm going to try the whole blog thing for a bit and see how it works for me. Funny because I've been reading "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" for quite some time now. Incredible book. Last night while squeezing in some cardio I read a passage in which Dave Eggars equates our life experiences to snake skin. We have them for a while, we molt, leave them for all the world to see, and move on without second thought. I'm not completely sure I agree, but I did understand his argument. I think at times, we're thrown things that are so big and so overwhelming that this would be the only way one could deal without going completely mad; however, personally, it just makes me really nervous to lay all my stuff out there for all to see.